Feeling especially grateful for a fresh start this morning (even if it does involve a fresh layer of April snow). Yesterday was one of my most challenging days yet as a parent. I know, I know – I’m not even a year in. I’ll probably look back on this and think it was cake. I am incredibly lucky that this is the worst of our concerns. I recognize that, and I also recognize that it’s all relative. I think that’s something new moms need to give themselves a break about. Every new experience, every new test, is valid. Your feelings and your fears are valid.
We took Rhys in for the recommended allergy testing and, while we did get the official confirmation via scratch test that he is currently allergic to sesame, the basic nature of food allergies also left us with a lot of unknowns and a 9-month-old who was absolutely traumatized by what now feels like excessive and unnecessary blood work. On the way home he immediately fell into an exhausted sleep, and I tried not to fall down the rabbit hole of guilt. I regret not questioning more, not stepping in more, not listening to my gut that this particular procedure didn’t feel right. My brain started going to some really dark places, but I’ve been there enough to know that wouldn’t serve any of us.
Today, I’m especially grateful for his smile and trying to trust: that he won’t remember this, and that it’s okay for me to trust my gut. It was a tough lesson in listening to that mama bear instinct and challenging the process when something doesn’t feel right. It doesn’t mean that you don’t want the best care for your baby, or that you aren’t grateful for the access, it just means that you’re honoring your instincts. They’re stronger than you might give yourself credit for.