A series of small things

Van Gough

And it really is the small things.

Earth Day is a call to action, but it’s what we do every day that makes the impact.

  • Ditch the plastic (bags/bottles/excess packaging) for good.
  • Turn off the water when you brush/suds/shave.
  • Eat more meatless meals.
  • Walk instead of drive when you can.
  • Make your dollar count – buy local, support small businesses with sustainable practices, swap in beauty and cleaning products without the toxic load.

Teach your children well. There are a lot of things in this world that are out of our control, but doing our part to take care of it isn’t one of them. We can do great things. Our planet depends on us.

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Fresh start


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Feeling especially grateful for a fresh start this morning (even if it does involve a fresh layer of April snow). Yesterday was one of my most challenging days yet as a parent. I know, I know – I’m not even a year in. I’ll probably look back on this and think it was cake. I am incredibly lucky that this is the worst of our concerns. I recognize that, and I also recognize that it’s all relative. I think that’s something new moms need to give themselves a break about. Every new experience, every new test, is valid. Your feelings and your fears are valid.

We took Rhys in for the recommended allergy testing and, while we did get the official confirmation via scratch test that he is currently allergic to sesame, the basic nature of food allergies also left us with a lot of unknowns and a 9-month-old who was absolutely traumatized by what now feels like excessive and unnecessary blood work. On the way home he immediately fell into an exhausted sleep, and I tried not to fall down the rabbit hole of guilt. I regret not questioning more, not stepping in more, not listening to my gut that this particular procedure didn’t feel right. My brain started going to some really dark places, but I’ve been there enough to know that wouldn’t serve any of us.

Today, I’m especially grateful for his smile and trying to trust: that he won’t remember this, and that it’s okay for me to trust my gut. It was a tough lesson in listening to that mama bear instinct and challenging the process when something doesn’t feel right. It doesn’t mean that you don’t want the best care for your baby, or that you aren’t grateful for the access, it just means that you’re honoring your instincts. They’re stronger than you might give yourself credit for.

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The morning after


The morning after holidays can be rough – like a hangover, but for guilt and judgement: “I ate too much (fill in the blank).” “I’m a disgusting pig for eating my kid’s candy.” “Diet starts today!” And so goes the cycle of guilt, shame, restriction.

The morning after Easter has been especially challenging for me in the past. Maybe it comes from the expectation: that everything is supposed to be bright and shiny and fresh, or from my own disillusionment with religion. A lot of it came from eating (read: sneaking) what I thought was far too much chocolate than one person should ever be allowed to consume in a single day. It wasn’t from enjoyment, or even tasting it most of the time, it was from fear – I didn’t think I deserved chocolate, so I better eat all of it TODAY because I would never give myself permission to eat it again. It’s also the day, almost exactly three years ago, that I finally started treatment for anxiety and disordered eating. At the time, I never would have believed it was possible to enjoy a holiday like Easter – eating chocolate and all – without judgement.

Because eating chocolate yesterday does not mean you cannot eat what you want today. (Even if that includes more chocolate!) It has nothing to do with your worthiness. You are still deserving of love and patience and kindness. Without restriction. Without judgement.

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Work in progress

I recently read an article from Joni Edelman over at Ravishly that reminded me of two things. One: cake that is layered with buttercream really is the best. And two: recovery is not linear. Whether it’s from an eating disorder, or the diet mentality, or the emotional abuse you put yourself through trying to live up to some ridiculous standard of beauty in a world that has no idea what it actually wants. It’s never a direct process.

It is uncomfortable and scary and sometimes makes you wonder if it’s worth it. I’ve thought about this a lot, especially in the last year when I’ve really forced myself to ask the tough questions. Because sometimes it doesn’t feel worth it. Sometimes it seems like it would be a lot easier to go back to the disordered thoughts and behaviors. For the longest time, that was the default. And it was constantly reinforced by the world around me – advertisements, media, conversations held and conversations simply overheard – the general consensus is that thinner is better. Less is more. Restriction is a virtue. Food is good or bad, and as a result so are you.

Sometimes recovery sucks.

It’s not as if those thoughts simply disappear, or that the conversations are no longer heard, or that the images cease to exist.

We fight through them. We work around them. We are are own source of positive reinforcement, and it can be exhausting.

For a long time, I was tired. I was so tired of thinking about it, fighting for it, believing in it. And so I had to take a step back. Not from recovery itself, but from immersing myself in it. I had to back away and not think so much about what I thought it “should” look like. I had to give myself the space to screw it up, to struggle with it, to hate it. I had to toss my hands up and say “I give up.” Not to recovery, but to the expectation around it.

It’s still hard, even though I don’t miss the way I used to feel. I still grieve it, not because I liked the behaviors and the beliefs but because for so long they made up my worth. Trying to separate myself from that often felt like a loss. I realize that there was more to gain because of it – including weight – and that’s not easy to process either.

Some days I feel like I’m starting over, but I quickly remind myself how far I’ve come. Far enough, finally, that I don’t want to go back. There are finally, amazingly, more days that I’m at peace with myself than not. But it’s a work in progress. It always will be. I’m finally learning to be okay with that, and with me.

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A few good reads 6.5.16

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No, it’s not you: why ‘wellness’ isn’t the answer to overwork via The Conversation

The Elephant in the Room: How Our Weight Bias Harms Us via Huffington Post

What it Means to “Take Care of Yourself…” via Summer Innanen

On Balance via Caroline Dooner

So I’ve Gained Weight. SO WHAT? by Jes Baker via Ravishly

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A few good reads 5.29.16

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A Totally Shame-Free Guide to Your Body Fat via Refinery 29

You Can Suffer From an Eating Disorder at Any Weight via Huffington Post

The Unhealthy Truth Behind ‘Wellness’ and ‘Clean Eating’ from Vice.com

Worrying About the ‘Right’ Kind of Body Stops Us From Living via Buzzfeed

Why Losing Weight Isn’t the Answer to All Your Health Woes via Ravishly


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A few good reads 4.10.16

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Fat = Lazy & Gluttonous, says World Health Organization by Harriet Brown via Psychology Today

5 Questions I’ve Asked Myself About Disordered Eating That Have Helped Me Heal via Everyday Feminism

The Problem with “Before and After” Photos in Eating Disorder Recovery via Proud2Be Me

Amy Schumer Featured in Glamour’s Plus-Size Issue, And She’s Not Happy About It via Huffington Post

Is the Naked Selfie Good for Feminism? Let’s Take a Closer Look via Elle

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A few good reads 4.3.16

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Why Focusing on Weight is Disastrous via The Fuck It Diet

What ‘Going Paleo’ Did to My Body by Summer Innanen via Refinery 29

Wentworth Miller Slams Meme Mocking His Weight via Buzzfeed

A girl was asked about BMI on a test. Her answer was mic-droppingly great via Upworthy

“Dear Kim. Please stop using the term ’empowerment’ when you mean ‘f*cking over women'” via Mamamia

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Body shaming & mental health: a male perspective

Actor and director Wentworth Miller recently spoke out about an old internet meme mocking his weight. Originally released in 2010, it was making the rounds again and, this, time, he had some choice words for the online publication responsible for it.

As it turns out, he was dealing with major depression at the time and, like many, was using a variety of coping mechanisms to get through. Once this became known, the “reason” behind his weight gain was suddenly more accepted. And while it’s heartening to see that there is empathy and acceptance for what he was going through – the thing is, it’s NEVER okay to shame someone, female or male, about their body shape and size. It doesn’t matter if they’re depressed, or suicidal, OR in an absolutely fantastic place in their life. There is never an appropriate time to judge or humiliate someone else because of their body. And while Miller handled the situation with grace and eloquence, I’m reminded that there is another level of acceptance we clearly have not reached yet. And it’s not just a women’s issue.

It’s okay if your body changes, whether you’re suffering or not. There doesn’t need to be a reason that makes people backpedal. The statements are inappropriate and unnecessary no matter the state of your mental health. You can endure and persevere and be proud of your body, no matter what.

His post reads in full:

Today I found myself the subject of an Internet meme. Not for the first time.

This one, however, stands out from the rest.

In 2010, semi-retired from acting, I was keeping a low-profile for a number of reasons.

First and foremost, I was suicidal.

This is a subject I’ve since written about, spoken about, shared about.

But at the time I suffered in silence. As so many do. The extent of my struggle known to very, very few.

Ashamed and in pain, I considered myself damaged goods. And the voices in my head urged me down the path to self-destruction. Not for the first time.

I’ve struggled with depression since childhood. It’s a battle that’s cost me time, opportunities, relationships, and a thousand sleepless nights.

In 2010, at the lowest point in my adult life, I was looking everywhere for relief/comfort/distraction. And I turned to food. It could have been anything. Drugs. Alcohol. Sex. But eating became the one thing I could look forward to. Count on to get me through. There were stretches when the highlight of my week was a favorite meal and a new episode of TOP CHEF. Sometimes that was enough. Had to be.

And I put on weight. Big f–king deal.

One day, out for a hike in Los Angeles with a friend, we crossed paths with a film crew shooting a reality show. Unbeknownst to me, paparazzi were circling. They took my picture, and the photos were published alongside images of me from another time in my career. “Hunk To Chunk.” “Fit To Flab.” Etc.

My mother has one of those “friends” who’s always the first to bring you bad news. They clipped one of these articles from a popular national magazine and mailed it to her. She called me, concerned.

In 2010, fighting for my mental health, it was the last thing I needed.

Long story short, I survived.

So do those pictures.

I’m glad.

Now, when I see that image of me in my red t-shirt, a rare smile on my face, I am reminded of my struggle. My endurance and my perseverance in the face of all kinds of demons. Some within. Some without.

Like a dandelion up through the pavement, I persist.

Anyway. Still. Despite.

The first time I saw this meme pop up in my social media feed, I have to admit, it hurt to breathe. But as with everything in life, I get to assign meaning. And the meaning I assign to this/my image is Strength. Healing. Forgiveness.

Of myself and others.

If you or someone you know is struggling, help is available. Reach out. Text. Send an email. Pick up the phone. Someone cares. They’re waiting to hear from you. Much love. – W.M. 


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A few good reads 3.27.16

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The REAL Truth About Clean Eating from Christy Harrison via Refinery 29

Please Don’t Call Me Pretty – I’m Just Sick and Skinny via Bust

To the Fat Haters: Health is Not a Moral Issue from Caroline Dooner via Ravishly

Your Fat Friend Wants to Talk About Fat Phobia via Medium

A Surprising Way to Discover Who You Are Without Eating Disorder via Recovery Warriors


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